In some ways, Lanta is laid back. Certainly the Muslim population is anyway. Lanta is very much Thailand, however, with its smiley faces, sense of sanuk, the constant smell of delicious foodstalls, the banter between tourist and streetseller. It all happens here. The beaches are mainly what draws the farang, though. Miles and miles of beaches all with their different characteristics and differing views of the other islands around. With the beaches come the bungalows, bars, dive shops, resorts and most recently on Lanta, development of seaview homes for wealthy Thai and the locust-like farang, mainly Swedish, who are flocking to this lovely island in search of paradise. And paradise seems to be, for these farang anyway, cheap beer, Scandinavian pizza (!), "Snuss" (whatever that is), kitsch ideas about what tourists want to spend their money on and (something that all the guidebooks about Thailand say is a social no-no) topless sunbathing. In essence, then, in seeking to create their own "paradise" they are creating a version of the Eurotrash seaside scumhole of the worst order. Anyone who has read Thom Henley's "Krabi: Caught in the Spell" will sadly acknowledge that his premonition back in 2003 was that Lanta was Krabi's last chance to keep the magic of the natural islands pristine for all tourists to enjoy, but that unscrupulous development by both Thai and foreign interests will lead to its becoming the next Phuket. It is already well on the way to becoming a new Karon: two Irish Bars and two Brit cafes/taverns lead the inevitable march towards the arrival of McDonalds, Pizza Hut and the Colonel. More, much more to come on Lanta, it's people, the places and the pitfalls of living on the new Phuket.

Lanta is mainly Muslim. Laid back muslim, but very definitely Muslim. Oh, and Sea Gypsy (Ferrel Andaman Thai/Malay/Burmese). Oh, and lots of Swedes, some Austro-Swiss-Germans, a few Dutch, French, some Thai Bangkok-Chinese and increasing numbers of British. Now, I have visited Britain, Sweden, China, Syria, France, Austria, Switzerland, Germany and Holland and have mets lots of lovely people there. Why, then, are so many of these countries nastier types here on Lanta? Let's take the Muslims first. So far, you will not find Lanta's Muslims fundamentalist in their approach to life. Yes, there are mosques everywhere (and if you don't like the Muezzin's wailing and screeching five times a day, make sure you rent a bungalow or buy your house nowhere near the loudspeaker) and in each village the Allah cops take their daily constitutionals up and down the road reminding shopkeepers they have their eye on them, but, so far, everything is tranquil on spoilt paradise island. Nobody will openly admit it, but Lanta is essentially ruled by five Muslim clans. Yes, there are police about and (strangely) the Krabi government offices are situated on the northern, smaller isle of Lanta Noi, but everything on Lanta is in some way connected to one of these Clans. So, as you would throughout Thailand, smile, be polite and don't upset anyone, even though you may be boiling with rage, because if you tangle with an individual, you could have Mohammed's hordes and a world of shit descend on your head. Indeed, people have had to leave the island quickly and quietly to escape with their bodies intact after upsetting one of the brothers. Ladies, you are also included. Strike up a whirlwind romance with a Muslim and then (after inevitably finding out Abdullah is a complete arsehole of the highest order) you decide to dump him, you had best pack your stuff and get out on the next ferry as Abdullah will have lost face and will take it out on yours. The golden rule is NEVER DO BUSINESS OR GET EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED WITH A MUSLIM (unless, of course you are one and know how to play the bare-faced lying/cheating game). Sea Gypsies. These people work. Yes, there is a clear subtextual message here. There are two major Sea Gypsy colonies on Lanta, both on the Eastern side of the island, although there are smaller families dotted about all over. Most of these people make up the fishing fleet of various size craft 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. When they are not fishing, or decide there is a kind of low season, then they are often hired to do manual work by the hour or day. Great people, insular and often speaking an incomprehensible language (to Thai and Farang alike), proud and pretty damned fearless. They climb old 30 metre coconut trees swaying in the breeze with little effort and, for a price, will take you on a longtail boat wherever you choose, even in very choppy seas. They do not develop any real outside relationships as their culture and language really are unique. Just about as far as you can get culturally at the other end of the spectrum come the Swedes. Culturally definitely different. In terms of dress sense, not much: these really are the incarnation of the famous "Nok ki Farang" especially on Lanta. They are like locusts on the island and just about every place you find to eat you will notice them by their extraordinarily bad dress sense: if not usually scruffy and dirty looking, then hopelessly uncoordinated wearing decent gear, but very badly. That is, when they are not almost completely naked. Yes, the Helsinki Highway is gradually spreading south from Klong Dao and bringing with it the unabashed tits of Stockholm in every sense. Huge bellies with swimshorts pulled up to the navel, strange Viking haired tattoo monsters, stunningly drop dead gorgeous blonde guys and girls showing the world just how NOT to behave in a foreign country. They cannot talk below anything like 400 decibels; 99% of them refuse (and seem to take some kind of national pride in this) to speak or attempt to learn Thai; they are always trying to outdo the Jones' next door by having a bigger, better, more, higher, faster gadget/useless toy than anyone else (walk into any of their abodes and the amount of stuff they have is truly mindblowing; whether it is used or works is another matter: a superb example of this can be seen at the developing "Tsunami View" bungalow complex on Phrae Ae where one tiny bungalow has so much stuff that it's spilling out onto the porch); they treat Thais with indifference often bordering on contempt as they try to barter over everything; they completely take over stretches of beach/bars/restaurants and annoy everyone else around with their loud banter or their purile games or, worst of all, their singing. And to top all their insularity, they actually have a Swedish school on the island which caters for the very worst Swedish export: the spoiled brat. They whinge, complain, think they are being cheated at every turn, leave chaos and debris wherever they eat (especially if they have brats) and yet they come in their thousands. And they stay! Increasingly! Why? Well two reasons: Swedish Social Security (allows every ex-Viking the chance to have a paid sabbatical wherever they choose, so they choose somewhere cheap and sunny: Lanta) and proximity to home. Strange, you may think, as Lanta is a 15 hour flight from the frozen forests of Kiruna. Not so. Home is, indeed, Lanta to hundreds of Swedes looking for that paradise which I have previously suggested they have spoiled already. New developments and estate agencies (with signs written only in Swedish) are springing up everywhere, you can get just about anything Swedish to eat on Lanta including (as I mentioned before, again) Swedish pizza (?) served by a Swedish/Thai on Phrae Ae in an increasingly expanding cafe/restaurant with an increasingly large and loud sign on its frontage. This place is Sweden on Lanta (they try to disguise it a lot of the time by advertising "Scandinavian", but it is 99% Swedish). It typifies all that these people are doing and have done on the island. A pity really, because the pizzas themselves are quite good if rather overpriced. Just like in Sweden, then. Unlike in Sweden, where mags and papers and TV advertisements laud Lanta nationwide, in Germany-Austria-Switzerland ( I am grouping these nations together as their characteristics are so alike here), Lanta was a brief and now little known excursion in the 1980s and 90s where there are some remnants of their former explorations. Mostly now these remnants are middle aged or older, spend most of their day drinking, are married to a much younger "trophy" (Thai) wife and are completely obsessed with their own property and wellbeing to the severe detriment of eveyone else. By this I mean that good old sense of altruism that some of the Swiss have had since WW2 about all that Nazi gold: "I'm all right Jack, and you can all just fuck yourselves." They label absolutely everything they own, their grass is trimmed precisely at 5cms high, absolutely nothing is ever out of place in their home, but look over their fence and all their crap has been hoisted into someone else's yard. As a perfect example of this is an Austrian chap who owns half a hill on Lanta and has put up barbed wire fencing to 'protect' his jungle(?) and has planted signs of a ferocious Rottweiler that says in German(?) "Beware, I live here". Presumably he thinks he'll be invaded by Swedish developers (oops, no they only understand Swedish), or Thai jungle snatchers(?) (oops, the letters aren't at all Siamese on the snarling hund signs). When these types do venture out from behind their oversized Panzers (the biggest and most outrageous everything-on-top-of-the-range-Japanese 4x4 that their wives got a discount price negotiated for them), however, all they do is complain about not having decent bier und bratwurst and shout at their patient and embarrassed wives and/or girlfriends. So why are they still here? I guess in the rare moments of sobriety when they look in the mirror the answer is pathetically clear. Thankfully, the Dutch seem to be ideally suited to Lanta. They always look spaced out, but are genuinely nice people who seem to actually enjoy living here. Please come and deliver us from the Scandinavians and wannabe Nazis! Similar could be said about the couple of French individuals who inhabit spoilt paradise, but their national trait of arrogant smugness and behind the scenes wheeling and dealing spoils it all. The Bangkok-Chinese Thai. This crowd are probably on the quiet emergence in terms of influence. As the Phuket phenomenon heads further south, you can bet your ass that any/all land sales go to this cunning, wily and ruthless group. Nothing wrong with this, but, as with Muslims, avoid any personal or business involvment with them. Remember: it's their country and if they want to fuck you, best to smile and bend over, or to leave - pronto. Thailand, the land of smiles, lies and Muay-Thai. Knives as well. Big ones. But it's what makes Thailand Thailand! Finally, the proverbial nail in the coffin of any seaside destination: the advent of the Brit. On Lanta their arrival in increasing numbers heralds the end of any sense of peace and serenity Lanta still has after the Swedes have finished building on it. The Brit on Lanta is essentially a Swede with three differences. BIG differences. First, the guys are invariably skinheads and the girls stink of fags and cheap perfume. Secondly, they are uglier. Third and finally they like to fight instead of f-f-f-fornicate. No problem, you may think, when they come up against a Thai with a big knife/lotsof cousins/Muay Thai trained. Well, they won't fight a Thai, but they will fight each other and any other European-looking thing around. The result is the sort of thing seen from Peterborough to Paphos, Blackpool to Benidorm every Friday night of the year: shouting, streetfighting and vomit. It hasn't happened to any great degree yet, but watch this space. I happened to be just outside one of the so-called Brit-run bars last week when said Brit was giving his Thai "missus" a charming message (to translate to the shadowy figure in a car outside): 'Tell him he can fahk off, I aint got 500 baaaht (sounded like faaart), you fahkin get it and give it to 'im!' The bar has been closed since then. Fuelled by beer and LIVE SPORT BIGSCREEN ACTION in the tacky taverns/bars and cafes that these footballed shirted twats inhabit, the pugnacious beer-bellied Brit is truly the fly on the shit of any resort. Why are they coming here? I suspect the Rough Guide and Lonely Planet have something to answer for, but mainly its for cheap sex and beer (not sure in which order). A lot of older, moneyed Brits head to Pimalai where that resort has aggressively targeted the UK market over recent years. Head up there to hear the cries of "Darren! Come away from the edge! Darren, do you 'ear me you little git?!" Nice.

Well, as suggested in my previous entry, the main invaders have their own reasons. But for the new arrival/tourist/traveller: what makes people want to come in the first place? What this site isn't about is what you can pick up on the web and in guidebooks (climate/cultural events/etc). There are pretty much five main things to interest people enough to come to this rather detached place: beach holiday; diving; elephant "safari"/jungle/nature walks; solitude (but disappearing quickly); and business. Beach holiday. As I said in an earlier life, there are miles and miles of great beaches on the western side of the island, each with it's own set of chracteristics. Broadly speaking the further south you head, the more rocky the beaches become, making them less suitable for swimming and families (with the exception of Kan Tiang/Pimalai beach). So, Klong Dao is a great wide gently sloping expanse at low tide great for volleyball, sandcastles and keep-fit stuff. Phrae Ae shelves off at high tide into deep water quite quickly and has a bit of an undertow and the odd rock. At Klong Kong you will stub your toe as soon as you set foot in the water: rocks everywhere, and so on and so forth down to the lighthouse at the southern tip of the island. Whatever beach is for you, however, they all have two things in common: bars/ restaurants/ bungalows (although during the low season only perhaps one in eight are open) and fantastic sunsets offering (again, depending on where you are) great views of Koh Ha, Koh Bida and the Phi-Phis. Also the further south you go the less choice and fewer amenities there are. Diving is possibly the main reason younger tourists come to Lanta. At any given time on this developing island there are no fewer than five operators/companies (in high season up to ten)happy to take your cash and get you diving as soon as you put on the mask. Like anywhere else in the world there's the hype, advertizing "Manta Rays", "Whale Sharks", etc. (the phrase we all overlook, however, is the preceeding "You may be lucky enough to see the". Like everywhere else in the world, don't expect to be diving in solitude, in fact, with the exception of some dangerous places like Timor or parts of Papua New Guinea be aware that many of the world's tropical/warm water sites have been dived out and here it is no different: every dive site in the Andaman in high season is like a scene from the underwater battles in Dr. No. Fast boats full of bouncing bellies from PhiPhi and Phuket vie with others from Krabi and of course from Lanta. However, if you don't mind the crowds, then there are, indeed some lovely sites to seen beneath the waves, so long as the visibility is good. Probably the very best site in Thailand (without having to catch a liveaboard) to dive are the twin rock pinnacles of Hang Deang and Hang Mueang (spelling is variable) which are exposed only at low tide, but drop down several hundred metres and attract larger fish like Manta Rays. There is on Lanta a dive centre which is, very much, world class: Lanta Diver. They have it all: good logistics, good boats, good kit, great service (you get breakfast, lunch and snacks on their boats) and, above all superb staff. Their attention to detail, instruction and safety measures are equalling and surpassing any of the boutique resorts in the Pacific, Caribbean or the Maldives and they all speak an array of languages (they employ Thai, Scandinavian, African, American and European instructors). The core of instructors return year after year (which says something about their employment conditions) and the instructor/student ratio is 1:2., but, you guessed it, it's Swedish and sometimes the shop is so crowded with other (resident-and-therefore-with-nothing-else-to-do) Swedes popping in for a quick hour's boomingly decibelled natter, you could struggle to book your course/dive/accommodation. Lanta Sumate Elephant Safari (Lanta Summit Elephant trek?) is a very well established set-up situated on the mid-island road that connects east and west Lanta. As soon as you get to the place, it is clear that the elephants are well cared for and that the friendly welcome means that this is the real deal: not some fast-buck operation who'll be gone next season. The operators take great care to ensure safety and rotate their elephants so that none are ever over-exerted and/or used when they are 'on musk'. This place is open pretty much 365 days and from early morning to 10 pm (what you'll see at night is beyond me). The sad thing is, however, that development and deforestation are whittling down the choice of routes for these treks. In the last two years alone the centre has lost four regular trails. Indeed, the whole backbone of the island, up until only five years ago, was an untouched gem of pristine tropical rainforest giving sanctuary to a variety of local species including tapir, monkeys, big monitor lizards and deer. Now you'll be lucky to catch sight of a monkey and when you do it and its emaciated family are likely to be raiding a fruit stall after the Sunday market has closed. Still rarer a glimpse of a tapir, but you may see a sorry looking monitor being dragged off by its tail to give a workman and his buddies a bit of a protein-rich BBQ at a building site. So, if you're quick, you may get to experience some of the tropical wonders of Lanta's forests, but hurry before the concrete is laid, the signs go up (in Swedish), and the barbed wire and searchlights are installed (made in Germany/Switzerland or Austria). If you do get into the jungle, stick to clear paths, always take water and a compass and a stick and make a bit of noise (don't go with a group of Swedes, then) so you give the snakes a chance to wriggle away. There are many cobras on the island, the odd viper and various harmless tree snakes, but just be aware that they are frightened of you, so by some low key chat or humming, or knocking your stick on a tree, they will certainly scarper. Also, always wave and offer greetings to any local Thai you meet in there. The local Thais are usually okay about letting farang wander and they'll make it plain when they are not: take their advice with a smile. In order to ensure that you aren't machine-gunned by a Germanic megalomaniac, however, your best bet is to go to the National Park at the bottom tip of the island. Here, for 600 baht, you can wander to your heart's content, BBQ, camp, climb around the lighthouse, swim/snorkel (watch the rocks) and generally nature spot for up to a week. The bizarre thing, typically Thai, is that the lady in charge of the centre only gives tickets for 600 baht, you can't get a quick two-hour or day ticket. These last a week. Unmistakably Brit, in this instance a couple staying at Pimalai (they arrived by the resort's driven vehicle), I was witness to, "Six 'undred baaaaaht for this? You must be joking! Nah discount? Christ, what a rip off!" and climbed back into the chauffered driven vehicle to be taken back to a room that cost (if they were lucky) well over ten times that amount per night! Maybe thy didn't want to dirty their white high heels. Or maybe they were thinking that they could get four beers for that at the bar later. Either way, the lady at the gate smiled and wished them "Sawasdi ka". Absolutely. The Rough Guide says "Laid Back on Lanta" and, from what you may have read so far, this is still true. By fingernails, but still true. Solitude can still be had, but this is an alien concept for Thais and Scandinavians alike, so you may take it from that, that you are on to a bit of loser on Lanta, then. The little beachfront bungalow opertors still cater for the backpacker and the budget traveller (without children) and whilst the bungalows may be close together, it's still good to see that their inhabitants are quite happy to swing on the porch hammock and read or pop out onto the beach with a beer (for 60 baht) and watch the sun go down or play with a dog. This scene, however, is slowly shifting further south as the big concrete resorts force all their inmates to look at each other across the swimming pools, bouncy castles, tables and sculptures that make up their visions of paradise. Children running through the gardens, Germans and Thais enjoying beach volleyball, Eurotrash muzac from beachside bars and whole extended families of Swedes (often numbering several hundred, or it at least it seems like it) shouting (speaking) to each other now make up Klong Dao and, increasingly, Phrae Ae, too. The tacky Samui or Bali-esque (burlesque?) fire-ball swinging thing also goes on here outside of some of the more Samui or Bali-esque copycat resorts, as well as some fireworks on occasion, as each place vies with it's neighbour to attract custom. Let's face it, if you want Bali or Samui, just go there. Anyway, "King" of these types of places is "Where Else" on Klong Kong. A bijou place, clearly well-designed to attract the would be druggie as they advertize "Let's keep Lanta pure and clean" at the entrance to the place. It's a different matter after a crazy night at the "Feeling Bar" (hmmmm) and on "Flying Fridays" (some real mixed messages going out here). Not just bottles lay strewn on the beach, nearby resort managers also if they had dared to go and complain about the loud music thumping out for most of the night disturbing their customers. Yes, as soon as you see and hear the "Where Else" owner/manager you'll realize why. Either slung low on his expensive coconut woven hammock looking and sounding like a dodgy Mexican bandit "Hey, howz it goin'?" or cruisin' down the ville on his leather trimmed and tassled edges retro Harley-lookalike motorbike, you'll know instantly that if you mess with this dude, you'll have several Chinese-Thai mafiosi to deal with. Perhaps best to beat it further south if you want a bit of stress-free solitude. The penultimate sentence in the last paragraph pretty well sums up one of the major pitfalls for anyone wishing to open up or do business on Lanta. If you are not Thai, you will certainly have to pay someone off for not "meddling" with your business. No farang can own outright a business in Thailand anyway, so if you are going to open the eco-friendly shop of your dreams and make a go of it on Lanta (or, indeed, in Thailand), you have to have a Thai partner who has, by law, a majority share in your coffers. This varies on which government is in, and can be Thai 51% farang 49% or even Thai 61% farang 39%. Many ducking-and-diving-wheeling-and-dealing farang think they get around this by hitching up with the bargirl of their dreams (a cursory glance at the "Local Interest" shelves in any airport bookshop is full of books recounting tales of woe that come of these liaisons) and so set up things this way. If the girl is honest and if the guy treats her right, then things look rosy until the local mafiosi/clan/police chief/government official decide you are making a bit of a splash and want a "cut". Remember, this is Thailand. No point in causing a scene (see Lanta People): either submit gracefully or pack it up and head out. Of course, if you team up with a Thai who is 'connected' there'll likely be no problem. You might not make a great deal as your partner will insist on the lion's share, but, remember: it's their country! Clever and astute business-minded farang (those who are hugely successful here) ingratiate themselves with the local HiSo (High Society) as soon as possible by giving presents, free gifts and jollies, etc. from their businesses so as to build up a little network of helplines for the future. These often work as the Thai culture revolves around respect and mutual giftings (if you give, you will receive). The bottom line is, rightly, accept that in a relatively poor country like Thailand, corruption is part and parcel of life and we are all touched by it. I once heard a very successful farang businessman on Lanta declare "I have never given a bribe". Maybe not, but it was grinningly obvious that many of his Thai regulars were given "on the house" treatment. Hmmmm.

The great thing about Lanta is that the ferry (like the tide) washes in and washes out all manner of humans: pearls as well as debris. And this happens daily as well as seasonally. Similar happens with bars, bungalows and restaurants, too. Everyone who visits the island has their own version of what their favourite beach/food/bar/resort is and equally so where they probably wouldn't go again unless there was a change in management. To avoid doing a Lonely Planet job on the places to stay/eat/drink/shop/visit (and therefore inundate those places with even more blandness) I'll try to deliver a kind of top 5 already well-known and bottom 5 already well-known places to eat/stay/get stuff/drink and seek your various forms of fate. By already well-known I mean these places are already in the guide books or advertise themselves with all manner of signs on the island. You will find your own places, of course, and they will either suit or repel you. Personal choice, and I'm sure you'd like them to remain charming as they are when you first went and decided "this is great". These here deserve all they get as they have made it to the tops of their respective trees by paying somebody for a mention or by spreading their signs like a virus across the island. A. PLACES TO STAY (catering for individuals, couples and families) Layana: upmarket five star resort on Phrae Ae. Great service and ambience, although you pay for it. Relax Bay: cheapish-mid range resort. Really sound location, but at high tide you have about a metre of beach. Nicely set up all round. Lanta Marine Park: similar to Relax Bay but way down south in Kan Tiang bay and with more beach. Golden Bay Cottages: Klong Dao. Cheapish mid range place that caters for just about everyone. FMC (Fisherman's Cottage): Klong Khong. Bizarre building, but good family bungalows. Lots of Thais stay here, so it must have something going for it. B. PLACES NOT TO STAY (lots of local knowledge and first hand tales of woe) Pimalai: way over-priced in every aspect. Service is not as good as Layana. Stunning views and interesting architecture though. Car park is a joke. Kan Tiang. Sri Lanta: quite expensive for some very tatty amenities. Bled dry by its owners. A pity, because it has great potential. Klong Nin. Where Else: See previous blog "Why Come to Lanta?". Casurina: read as for Sri Lanta, except not a lot of potential as its location lets it down. Phrae Ae. Rawi Warin: Lanta's very own "White Elephant". Haphazard service at a huge cost (but not as huge as Pimilai). Great to arrive at, then it all goes down hill....Klong Nin. C. PLACES TO EAT Saladan Seafood: Saladan. The first "Saladan Seafood" (yes, there is more than one) place on your right after the police hut at the T junction (if you keep going at the T junction you will start swimming). Great food. Always popular (so if you go to the wrong one, you'll know). Mid-range in terms of cost. Parkway Restaurant: Saladan. Opposite the "Lanta Center". You can get your laundry done here, too. Cheapish prices for good food and the right quantity, too. Red Snapper: Phrae Ae. The very best upmarket Thai and foreign food on the island. Pricey, but delicious. Good deli/cheese board. Dutch owned. Khao Yai: on the road between Klong Nin and Old Town at the top of the hill. Lots of local Thais eat here. The food is possibly the best on Lanta, but it's not that cheap. Superb views across the bay towards Trang. Koo-Kai: Klong Nin. The food is a greasier version of Khao Yai, but also a bit cheaper. Very nice owner/manager. D. PLACES NOT TO EAT Pimalai: Belgian chef, outdated nouveau-cuisine (miniscule) portions with just a nod to Thai flavouring makes eating here a huge disappointment. It just lacks anything special. It's neither Thai nor European: it's bland and by the time it gets to you it's not exactly hot either (but that might be something to do with the quantity and physics). Kan Tiang. Retro: "As advertised in Lonely Planet". Hmmm. "Where local residents eat". Well, yes. All the Swedes who have holiday villas next door. Quite expensive for small portions and very ordinary food. Phrae Ae (roadside). Lanta Riviera: Possibly the worst all round place to eat on the island. Overpriced, tiny quantity, poor service and everything tastes of chemicals. Klong Kong. Moonlight Bay: Great situation spoilt by its cafeteria-like decor and food that tastes like it came straight out of a Maggi packet. Klong Kong/Nin. Noble House: You can get tasteless Thai food, but oddly, quite spicey toast here. Something wrong with that scheme I think. Look out for the permanently broken toilet and a lack of places to wash your hands. Klong Dao. Swiss owned. Others: I haven't included any of the many and burgeoning farang cafes and restaurants (Swedish, Brit, etc). If you want foreign food then perhaps go to Europe for a break. Those who want to eat Thai food will get pretty authentic stuff on the roadside stalls. When you go to a restaurant, however, locals will assume if you order Thai that you want it "nid-noy spicey" (little bit). This is pretty much due to the immense numbers (and oh so delicate immense bellies) of farang who are used to bread, cheese and sausages and, naturally, Thais are always trying to please. If you want it Thai, then ask for "Thai pet" (Thai spicey). E. PLACES TO GET STUFF Lanta Mart: Saladan. The biggest supermarket on the island. All manner of goods here (except fresh fruit and vegetables) from alcohol to tampons, cheese to dog chews. Entertaining at feeding time. You'll know why when you see it. The Tent (no name, but it's in a tent!): Saladan. Not quite as cheap as Lanta Mart for some things, but for others it's the place to go. Absolutely everything under one big sheet of plastic: shovels to hair spray, nappies to mouse traps. Good for flip-flops. Opposite Lanta Mart, but behind all the arty kiosks. Post Office: Saladan. On the road to the passenger ferry on the right. Dive Gear: Lanta Diver. Saladan. ATMs: Everywhere. Start with the two next door to Lanta Mart, then almost opposite and they are spread all over the island. F. PLACES LIKE THE PLAGUE Seven Eleven: Spreading like the proverbial further south almost monthly. Useful they may be, but they are destroying (like every other American Corporation) the little family-run (Thai) supermarkets which are located everywhere. Good for a spongey weener breakfast or late night bite after a tough night on the piss at the Tavern. Oh, perhaps that's why they're so popular.... Petrol: Always ask how much a liter. Usually petrol vendors are great, but some do pull the scam of keeping the dispenser running between customers. The large petrol station on the left as you go into Saladan usually pulls this: no matter how much they seem to pump into your bike, it is mysteriously 70 baht. I have always wondered why the attendants were so smiley all the time! Tuk-Tuk/Taxis: There is a fare sign just outside Lanta Mart that says quite clearly (well, not that clearly as the sign is a bit faded) how much the Tuk-Tuk fares are between Saladan and the other villages on the island. Ensure you know how much you pay before accepting a proposition. Covered taxis are negotiable. Motorbike Rental: Look around and don't just go with the nearest. Usually Saladan has a better rental rate. You may be asked for your passport as a guarantee. There is only one car rental company so far, but little businesses are springing up all the time and insurance is a must as there are many vehicles without insurance that drive haphazardly around the island. Helmets on the bikes are also useful; recently the police have been checking that motorbikers wear them and there is a sliding scale of fines if you get done (farang and local rates). Bartering: As a farang you are more likely to have at your disposal an awful lot more disposable income than most roadside vendors, so when you are bartering, don't be rude or unreasonable. Like in the rest of Thailand: play the game with a smile. Finally, tipping. Thais are friendly and proud people. Please don't insult them by tipping. IF you want to tip, then ensure it is for something really well done like a waiter making sure you get the best seat in the house, or a cleaner who really has suffered your mess for a couple of weeks. Lanta isn't Mexico, yet.

Well, apart from getting out and doing some exploring on this rapidly changing island, what happens next? If you live/work on Lanta for anything more than two weeks, you'll be subject to the Lanta rumour virus. It's an entertaining hobby for some, a frightening portent of hell for others. It keeps the Swedes engaged in eardrum-splitting discussions for several days and makes the Germanic-Swiss Nazis drink and shout at their wives and invest in more razorwire and searchlights. Current rumours for your entertainment are: 1. There is a bridge going to be built next year to the mainland. 2. There is a bridge going to be built in five years to the mainland. 3. There is a bridge going to be built in eight years to the mainland. 4. Pimalai are going to start building the island's first golf course next year. 5. A marina is going to be built just off Saladan next year. 6. A marina is going to be built just off Saladan in two years. 7. A marina is going to be built just off Saladan in five years. 8. Pimalai are going to start building a marina in two years. 9. Garden Hill will develop all the land to the landfill site. 10. Frank the Kraut will develop all the land west of his new condo project. 11. Sheraton Hotels are interested in Austrian Hill (see previous blog: Lanta People). 12. Marriot Hotels are interested in Austrian Hill (see previous blog: Lanta People). 14. Hyatt Hotels are interested in Austrian Hill (see previous blog: Lanta People). 15. Dusit Hotels are interested in Austrian Hill (see previous blog: Lanta People). 16. The Swedish School will close down next year (please, oh please). 17. The Swedish School will offer international courses for any nationality. 18. The Swedish School will go into partnership with Poseidon Villas. 19. The Swedish School will go into partnership with Lanta Diver. 20. Lanta will not have a closed season in two years. 21. Lanta will not have a closed season in five years. 22. KFC will take over the Lanta Center. 23. Pizza Hut will take over the Lanta Center. 24. McDonald's will take over the Lanta Center. 25. Tesco Lotus will take over the Lanta Center. 26. Central take over the Lanta Center. 27. HomePro will take over the Lanta Center. 28. Frank the Kraut will take over the Lanta Center and develop it into a five storey condo.